How to wreck your sanity
by Wild Destiny
Summary: Michelle's latest scheme causes trouble.Quite cute if you have patience First fic so please read review!


Disclaimer:MUAHAHAHAHAHA I OWN-nothing.Do not sue me.

Authors note:please please read and review.This is my first fic so be nice! oh by the way Maria + Hans are still in it simply cos I like Mara and Hans!

It was sunset in Nouvion,and everything at Cafe Rene was relatively normal.Peaceful,in fact.It was of course,the calm before the storm.Edith,deciding that she would begin caberet early,began to sing,and that was it.Maria started running around with the cheeseboard,throwing it in all directions at whoever asked for it,and Rene and Yvette dived for the cloth to cover the glasses behind the bar,in case Edith's singing should shatter them again."Oh,Rrrrrrrrene!" growled Yvette,pulling him down behind the bar.

"Yvette!" he gasped."Not now,not here,we are open! Come downstairs at eleven o'clock,and meet me by the brie in the larder."

"Do you promise not to start without me?"

"Of course! Now go and help Maria with the cheese,and get more wine for the Germans."

Yvette ran away with two wine jugs.Rene stared after her,wondering,for the first time in ages,if he could keep the affairs with both Yvette and Maria secret for much longer.he was rapidly running out of lies and bluff and totally sick of raising his eyes and exclaiming,"You stupid woman!"

Then again,the thought was gone as quickly as it had come.He'd manage.He had enough to manage with,without Michelle's idiotic plans and the Germans endless problems.Not to mention the idiot policeman who thought he could speak French and the stupid brittish airmen.Just normal everyday worries.Edith finally finished her number,curtseying and waiting for applause.A couple of Germans put their hands together half-heartedley.This was enough for Edith,who rarely got applause,and she went away happily.

Just then,the Colonel,Hans and Helga walked in.The last two walked up to the bar while the Colonel yelled at Gruber who was trying to appear normal by chatting up a puzzled French girl about parking armoured cars in the wrong places.he finally joined Hans and Helga at the bar."Rene," announced the Colonel,in a half-whisper,"we have a very serious problem on our hands."

Rene suppressed a groan,deciding that it must be something to do with the resistance,and therfore probably something to do with him,and so he decided to bluff it out."Oh,really,Colonel?" Rene said innocently."A drink on the house perhaps."

"Thankyou," agreed the Colonel."Three cognacs."

"So,nothing to do with these damn resistance people,is it?" asked Rene.

"No,at least not at the moment." was the reply.Rene forgot his charm and exclaimed,

"Well,in that case you can pay for your own drinks!"

"Sorry?"

"Um...um...um...nothing,do go on."

"Yes.Well.The General is getting aggiatated about the paintings again.In fact,he is so desperate to find the original that he is searching the town."

Rene wasnt worried."Oh well,it is bricked up in my cellar,he'll never find it."

At that moment,Edith appeared from the kitchen clutching two rare wine bottles.

Hans was amazed."Where did you get them from,I've been working my jackboots off searching for that type of wine!"

"I used the sledge hammer," said Edith,as her husbands eyes widened in horror,"and I knocked the wall down in front of the cellar fireplace.That's where they were,you know,Rene,where you bricked up the painting."

"YOU STUPID WOMAN!" cried Rene,hurtling down to the cellar.He turned to the Germans in desperation as he got back up the stairs with the painting."What do I do with this? Do you think I'd be shot if the General discovered it?"

"On the spot," said Helga shortly.

"Oh,my god!" said Rene,throwing the painting at the Colonel,who mouthed at Edith to sing and destract the customers.This he came to regret."Come on!" he beckoned to Rene,Hans and Helga."We'll hide it where he won't look!"

It was morning and all was quiet.This didn't last long,Rene groaned as he heard Gruber's car pulling up.

"Good morning Rene!" said Gruber heartily.

"Uh...yes.Good morning,Leftenuint." said Rene,rather less heartily."Can I get you anything?"

"No,thankyou,Rene,I have a problem.Can you bend over a little?"

"Uh...oh! Oh,yes! Sorry,I thought you...I thought...yes?"

But Gruber didn't get the chance to reply-Edith appeared out of the back room."Rene," she said loudly and clearly,"The hens are boiling over."

Rene said,"What?" and Edith whispered something to him.

"Oh!" then he said to Gruber,"So sorry Leftenuint,but the hens are boiling over.I've got to go."

He and Edith ran upstairs.

Michelle was waiting for them.

"The radio is not working.We will have to use the one in Gruber's tank."

"No,we will not!" said Rene,relieved that he had an excuse."He is just leaving."

"We will stall him.He is not going anywhere."

"How do you know?"

"Because you are going to let his tyres down!"

"Oh,I-ME!"

"Yes,you! I'll help you! Are you ready?"

"Its quite illegal,you know!"

"Get over there,I'll take the back."

So there they were,letting down the tyres of Gruber's little tank.

That moment,there was an engine starting up.

Rene and Michelle ducked down and saw Gruber getting on a motorbike and riding away.Michelle and Rene,realising that it wasnt his tank,ran back into the Cafe.

"You've done it now!" gasped Rene.Michelle was beside herself.

"Listen,if its not his tank,who is it,if he's flashing around on a big motorbike,old Gruber,who owns this tank?"

"How the hell do I know who owns it!" cried Rene.

A german soldier came walking towards the car and stared at the tyres in fury.

"Thats who owns it!" Michelle and Rene said in unison.

The soldier started towards the cafe.

"He's coming over,he's coming over here!" panicked Rene.

"Stop,stop!" said Michelle frantically."Now's your chance to put the Cafe Owner's plan B into action!"

"Plan B,I never even knew what plan A was!"

"Plan A is talk the whole thing over calmly," said Michelle,everything but calm.

"Oh right-what's plan B?"

"Make a run for it!"

Michelle managed to get down the back passage,while Rene was stuck in the Cafe.

The Soldier entered."Peasant! some idiot has let all my tyres down!"

"Ah," mumbled Rene.

"There must be some hooligans around here."

"Ah."

"Ah.Do you speak? I want to use your telephone."

"Ah.Ah.Hassong meetung meetole ee? heetole merole meunga.Hasle ha meole."

The soldier rolled his eyes and walked out."Thankyou for nothing."

Rene's stupid reply was,"Its alright,you're welcome."

Authors note:This is my first fic so please review it even if it is complete rubbish!


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